The link for the profile page wasn't working when I tried it last.
I have one son in jail. He's 18 and he's been there for a few months now. I'm hoping he'll get probation and just get to do a program and I guess go to a Rehab, but I'm not sure if that's what'll happen or not.
I haven't been on here in awhile because I have been dealing with this thing called life. Then I log on and see all the joy and tragedy that my fellow mothers are going through and it makes me very happy that I found this organization. Whether we realize it or not, we are a special group of woman and God has dealt us this hand because we are some of the very few that could handle it and survive.
I got to see my son last month for the first time since he was locked up right before Christmas. My best friend from Texas flew into Chicago just to drive to Arkansas with me and be my rock. We had a great visit with my son even though it was through a glass window. The holding facility where he's at was very accommodating and even let us visit with him longer than allowed. I was very grateful for that.
We then drove to Texas so I could be there when my son's daughter was born and see the rest of my family for the holidays. On December 23 I received a phone call that my mom had taken a turn for the worse and to come to the nursing home as quick as I could. While driving there I received a text from my son's girlfriend that her water had broken and she was on her way to the hospital. Having been through child birth I knew it might be awhile so I continued to the nursing home where I met up with the rest of my family. I called the prison where my son is and told them the situation with my mom and asked them to please relay a message to my son to call me. They did and Kyle called and I put him on speaker phone so he could say goodbye to his Noni. We all said our goodbyes to my mom. I stayed there until my son's girlfriend was getting closer to delivering. I then raced to her hospital and my beautiful, healthy, granddaughter was born on the morning of December 24! I called the prison once again, explained the news and asked them to relay a message to my son to call me, which they promptly did. By this time I'm sure they thought I was crazy...lol.
My holiday week consisted of hospital hopping. My husband flew to Houston on December 28 to be my rock. My mom died on December 29. We held a memorial service for her a couple days later.Then my husband and I packed up, said our goodbyes and drove back to Illinois on New Year's Eve.
This was my circle of life trip.
I got another letter from my Jessica today - she's ECSTATIC!! She's already been classified and moved - amazingly enough, she has been put on a medium custody yard ( YAY ) and gets 1 phone call per day and CONTACT VISITS!!! She is not in protective custody, not max 23 hour lockdown..none of that!! And she gets to stay in Arizona... She's so happy that she gets to go outside ALL DAY LONG if she wants to.. big difference from the 23 hr lock down at county jail. And she loves the food LOL ... they even give them dessert... So, now the only thing we're waiting on is the approval of her visiting list. I submitted my application to visit and it's been approved already. I'm astounded that they have processed her so quickly and that my application was approved so quickly... Maybe it IS a good thing that they know her there (she used to work there) ?? I don't know.. All I can say is THANK YOU LORD! He does hear our prayers!!
She's also been to church service too. One huge thing we are both looking forward to is our upcoming visits ... it's been almost a year since I've been able to hug and hold my baby, I think I may not let go for the entire 4 hours. Another huge thing - she's allowed "food visits" a couple times each year - this means I get to make her favorite meals and bring them to her... Is it just me or does this place sound, eh.. not so bad??
We had a sentencing hearing this morning and my son was going to be sentenced to LWOP, but sentencing has been held over until the 26th which is the best news I have had in a while. This gives me a little bit more hope that he will someday come home to us :) I never thought I would be so happy to have another court date, but this was what we had been praying for all weekend after our lawyer called us late Friday afternoon, and said there may still be some hope. This delay in sentencing will allow our lawyer to have a meeting with the top two prosecutors in our county to discuss a possible new plea agreement. One of the prosecitors he is meeting with is a dear friend of our lawyers and he is the one who actually suggest that he do this, so we may already have one prosecutor on board, I am praying!. I guess it is very rear to get a plea agreement once a person is found guilty by jury, but it is not unheard of. I pray that the two parties can come to an agreement in favor of a new plea agreement so my son does come home someday. We won’t know anything until next week after their meet, so It is going to be a very long week of waiting. Please keep us in your prayers for a good out come. Thanks everyone!
Sam was walking with a group. A tradition in Greenbank is to take this introspective walk on the prairie on New Year's day. There are stops along the walk where the walkers are posed with questions about the past and challenges about the future. At each stop, the guide would read the question that had been placed on a sign there, talk a little bit about it, and then read a poem before inviting us to ponder for a moment and then take the question in our hearts as we walked to the next stop. Fear seemed to be the theme of the day. What have you allowed fear to stop you from doing or make you do in the last year? What kinds of things do you want to accomplish next year? How will you overcome fear and accomplish new things this year? Pretty generic and basic questions really. And then there was the poem about fear. "What if fear could be contained in a place? What if you could leave your fear in Paris?"
I heard the rest of the poem and it hit my heart deeply, and then the walk and ponder...
I used to think that fear was a place.
A place where I could get stuck.
A place that I could walk through.
A place that I could walk in.
I have often heard referance to walking in Fear,
and have thought to myself that Fear was not a place that I would like to go.
I have comforted myself with the thought that I could just avoid that place,
as if there were some city limit sign that reads "Fear"
and I could just stop short.
I could just turn back when I arrive there.
But fear is not a place.
Fear is a shadow.
Or a ghost.
Or a monster.
Fear is not a place.
Fear lives in my heart and soul.
Fear follows me where I go.
I can't just stop at the border of Fear.
I do not arrive at Fear.
Fear has arrived at me.
I can't leave Fear,
and Fear won't leave me.
So I will stand up with all that I have,
all that I am,
and I will walk with Fear.
I will dance with Fear.
I will learn and grow,
and live,
with Fear.
Fear will not stop me.
If Fear doesn't want to get left behind,
he will have to accompany me on the life that I refuse to stop living.
So, another Christmas is past. It's nice to have the other kids around and the grandkids definitely help to make Christmas magical. Staying focused on life out here makes it easier to worry less about life in there, but still I worry. So going into Christmas it had been a few weeks since I had heard a word from Sean. He called on Thanksgiving, and that was great, but nothing since then. We bought the tree. A family outing. We decorated the tree. A family activity. I hung the ornament that we bought for him at Disney Land when he was 4, and I smiled as I thought of that day and tried not to fast forward the movie playing in my head of the rest of his childhood, because I know how the movie ends. Our first Christmas in this house was his last Christmas with us, and so I place the decorations just the way he did when he was helping me put this house together. I think sometimes about changing up the decor or the room arrangement, but I just can't because it is the last tangible evidence that he was ever home. I have hunted and hunted for another house and another job, but this house is the last home my son knew. I know it's silly. Even before I say it out loud, I know it's silly. I know he will come home to wherever we are and be happy to be with us, but I still want him to have a place to dream of when he dreams of home. I want to be able to say, "remember that tree out front? Half of it fell down in the last storm." And as I am thinking all of this, he still hasn't called or written in weeks. I stay in on boxing day even though we usually go to the movies with the kids, because I don't want him to call and not get an answer. Still no call. I rush home to be here by 7 each night because that is when he usually calls. I check jpay over and over even though I have set my account to notify my cell phone when I have a new message. Finally, I get the letter. Around 300 words. Not much. Just love for me and his father (which in itself is a Christmas miracle) and for his brothers, and especially his sisters. Thanks for loving him. Thanks for the prayers and the letters. Can't wait til winter is over so you can make it across the pass to visit me. Only 300 words, but now I can sleep. Of all the gifts I got for Christmas this year, my favorite is the 300 words from my son. And my favorite words? "I'm doing ok here."
Well..I also made it thru...spent Christmas Eve with one brother who just now acts as though my son doesn't exist. Had another one who wouldn't show up at my mom's house if I was there. About a year ago, his wife was going around out small town running her mouth about my son and I told her off...so now I'm the bad one I guess. Anyway..made it thru Christmas Eve..then yesterday I got to go visit my son..it was nice, but he was pretty down. All I can say is I am glad it's done! You know some family members can't see that it's enough to deal with not having your son, but insist on adding more stress..what's up with people? I thought I could depend more on family..guess not...thank God for all you sister mamas!!
This Christmas will not be the same like no other Christmas ever before. Every parent tries for that ever year. Every year we try to make it a year to remember. This year I don't want to remember nothing at all. This is not a Christmas that I want to look back at in several years and say do you remember the Christmas of 2014. We always make chocolates the night of the 23rd. Well we did the same this year. My youngest daughter and I struggled through hours of melting, dipping, and pouring trying not to get our tears in the sweets for our family. After we struggled through it we decided that this Christmas we did not have to try to carry on as if everything is ok. That our extended family and friends will just have to go through one year of no treats basket from us. This morning we are normally up early making hard candies for everyone. This Christmas we have now decided to sleep in, though my daughter is the only one to have seceded in this. We have decided that no we can't stop Christmas from coming and don't want to because that means it is one day closer to Johnathan coming home but we don't have to do all our normal things that everyone in the family tells us to. This Christmas we are going to keep it low key, we are going to lean on each other and cry if we have to. This Christmas will be like no other a year without possibly the best son in the world home and the big brother that my daughter thinks hung the moon and stars.
We know we are lucky in a way we only have to have one of These Christmases. It doesn't mean my baby girl or I am hurting any less it just means we only have to have one of These Christmases.
So, sentencing was yesterday ... awful experience :( but afterward I ran around to two different jails to pick up Jessica's personal property.. the one with her cell contents has all of her court paperwork and a lot of background documents that supported her plea to not pursue the death penalty.. I've read through most of it already and I am absolutely APPALLED!!!
My daughter had been committed for psych evaluations on four different occasions in the months preceding her incarceration.. I never knew just how sick my baby was/is... omg she was hearing voices and seeing shadowy figures she called "Mr. D" .. the voices were telling her to hurt herself. There was one entry where they suspected development of multiple personalities, that she "became" Mr. Dean.. but then they allowed her to be discharged after only a few days... with prescriptions for medications she never took.. FOUR TIMES THEY DID THIS!!!!
During the week after she was incarcerated, the state psychiatrist diagnosed her bi-polar with psychotic episodes...
I get angry all over again ... it appears there was ample evidence that would have supported an "innocent by reason of insanity" but WHY????? Why did they NOT do anything 6 months earlier??? The cost for their negligence was the life of an upstanding young man... the cost of their negligence forever altered several families including ours... and WHY??? did our defense team not pursue the insanity plea???
Jessica doesn't deserve to be in prison for the next 40 years... she deserves to be in a facility that can treat her mental illness...
I wish there was something I could do to make the facility that discharged her after KNOWING the depth of her mental illness pay for their negligence ... THEY SHOULD PAY.. not my Jessie
I never heard back from the warden in regards to reinstating my son's visits....but that's because he has been transferred to another facility actually closer to me than the last one..and I'm going to see him tomorrow...so excited because I haven't seen him since his birthday which was 8/25 God is good.
Hi :) My son called me and told me he received Thanksgiving card which made his day. I have been in the hospital again and its been rough so I just wanted to say thank you for making his day. I know have a nebuilizer at home with me so I am hoping that this will help out and no more calls to 911 will be needed. Thank God for fire and rescue as they were here within 4 minutes both times I had to call them and were able to get my breathing under control. I am just so weak lately that I can barely sit up at the computer. I just wanted to thank all of you for being there and for making my sons day :)
For a few weeks now, every time my son calls, It hangs up when I press 5 to accept the call. It is so frusterating! anyone know why this could be happening? I called Ic solution and they said they will investigate it and call me back.
My son was a formerly successful businessman who has been charged with many white-collar felonies. He has never been in trouble with the law and says he is not guilty now, but the prosecutor acts like he has a major criminal in his sites. Bail was set high and a hold was put on it (couldn't come from him because he is presumed to have only dirty money). Our son did not have any money when he was arrested. My husband and I are not wealthy, but after 3-1/2 months, we were able to get bail posted and get our son out of jail. Our son didn't sleep or eat, and he clearly has PTSD from his experience after just that much time. He is now trying to make arrangements for a private attorney. The DA is trying to come up with a reason to lock my son up again. My son has found a roommate and is borrowing a car and working, but this thing is far from over. The lawyer says it could be six months before trial, if there is a trial. I just want it to be over! But with a good resolution! I could go on, but everyone here has a story, and I'm sure many are much worse than mine. I just want the knot in my stomach to go away, and I want my life back. Does anyone have a way of staying in balance? My husband says this has taken over our lives. It has seriously damaged us financially, and we're not done yet.
I am thinking of ALL of you moms out there. Happy Thanksgiving with LOTS of love!!
