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I'm going tomorrow morning to visit my son for Easter.  Was planning on going Sunday, but tomorrow is the day I get his little girl.  He's been so down lately..everytime I talk to him he sounds so sad..he usually helped out farmers and right now he would have been getting ready for spring work and it's really getting him down.  What do you do when they are so down and sad when they call.  Then you just can't get them out of your mind and I feel so bad too.  I try to tell him it could be worse and suggest things to do.  He does have a job there so it helps.  I will never get used to these holidays without him.  I have brothers and others that have just wrote us off and don't even speak..so sad..guess you really find out who is there for you and your kids.  They don't even acknowledge his little girl..she is 2 and a real little angel..sad..I just don't understand people.  I thank God for this site and you moms, you are all so awesome and so many have it so much worse than I.  God Bless each and every one of you and your families and Happy Easter!

How do I get involved in the sending of monthly cards?  I think I am to late for April but I would like to do this in the future.  Thanks

Would anyone like to send my Jessica some kind words? She's having a tough time of it right now :(

As though being handed 40 years is not enough..  Jessica has been dealt yet another blow and it's sent her into a deep depression.  Jessica has a 2 yr old son named JJ (short for Jesse James, his mothers name and fathers name combined) well, my youngest daughter is adopting him and has just announced that she is changing his name :(   This on top of her refusing to let Jessica see her son, has really done a number on her mindset.  We are Christian women, so we prayed for the Lord to help us forgive this wrong, and to help us get through the next week.  I promised Jessica that I would keep a photo album for JJ with his original birth certificate and all the "new mommy" photo's that Jess has, so that when he's grown he can learn the truth.  Please pray for Jessie, her heart is broken over this news as is mine.  There is no reason to change his name, this is a family adoption, not a closed adoption, not an adoption to an unknown family....

Still...after 2 and a half years of my sons incarceration I am seriously frustrated at the system, at myself, at my son and everything else that goes along with this culture. Prison culture.  My son at the time of sentencing was 21 years old.  He now has to face "growing up" for the rest of his "youthful" and social developmental years preparing him for creating a family of his own...in prison.  It is hard enough making decisions for yourself to plan a future integrating a career and an intimate relationship that is suppose to last a lifetime when your freedom is in full force and well taken for granted. But what is one to think or plan when one grows up in prison? We ask ourselves as children "what do I want to be when I grow up" and perhaps a few scenarios pass through our imagination. . .but I myself in my wildest dreams had never thought "what do I want to be when I grow up in prison and get out into the ever-changing social circles" ?  

I am stuck right there in the black hole of the unknown. I still begin and end most of my days with sorrow that is so overwhelming I have to kick myself in the ass to get out of my own way. At a loss for words. . . I don't know what to say anymore that will make a difference on more positive note.  So, I find myself dreading the phone calls.  Falling back into the black hole of the unknown.  I am ashamed to even say such things even to people I may never see or meet in this lifetime. Luke is my baby.  My youngest son, who taught me everything I know today about LOVE, and HOPE and JOY.

I came from an abusive family history of predators  criminals, destruction and violence, and most of all... addicts.  All of these to which I have hated, became, survived and finally learned the behavior that enabled me to "flip the box". And now again I regress back into the darkness. Ashamed and teetering on the borders of my own sobriety. Carrying around all of this baggage, I can say that my  level of imagination is nonexhistant. What can the level of imagination be that's left in Luke?  The imagination that we build our dreams on...I cannot imagine.  

I still have not figured out how to effectively manipulate this incredible site, except to vent.  Have not received any responses at any time,but I grateful to have a place to safely vent without fear. I thank you for that and I thank you for listening.  One more thing, I would love to know anyone in Phoenix, AZ. Also if miracles do happen, I would love to know anyone who may be going to Yuma Prison for visitation in the near future.  I need to raise money first for traffic fines that have magically evolved into warrants.  Then there is hope for me to see my baby again before his 8.5 years is up!    donna warner

I was at McDonalds a couple weeks ago having breakfast. I over heard a VERY interesting conversation that had a HUGE impact on me.

There were a couple older people that were discussing either a friends son or someone they had in there family that was having difficulties. I gather it was with the law.

I gotta tell you....hearing the pain, the anger, the frustration in there voices...I STARTED TO CRY!! I finally saw what my family felt. The pain...the anger....wanting so much for me...

Walking out, I stoped by there table and thanked them. I told them how much seeing things from the outside, and a non biased point of view opened my eyes.

I don't think it was that I was not understanding the pain that I caused my family. I wasn't able to see because I was too close

I look out the window, at the world just beyond.

Knowing it's not for me.

Me, in my suite of orange.

I taste the copper of pain, hear the screams of despair

I know I can't hide,

Inside my suite of Orange.

What's to become of me, how will things go?

Will I be able to live,

Without my suite of Orange?

When it's all said and done, what will people see?

A man standing tall?

Or...just a shell of what was.

Nothing...

   but a suite of Orange

It's so strange, how I've become detached from the constant pain that I used to feel.  I drove home from work yesterday and realized that my son was a few miles away in a cage and I hadn't thought of that before when driving in that direction.  I guess I can't think about it.  When I do, when I really think about it, I hurts too much.  He's in a cage, and the saddest part is that if he wasn't there, he might not even be on the planet.

Drugs, obsession with guns, where did it all start? Come from?  I have lots of theories but the place that gives me the most consolation is recognizing that I will never know.  And I don't need to know.  That is something that is not going to control my thoughts or nights anymore.  I will be free of the obsession of what went wrong and how can I fix it? Because I can't.  Only he can.  And he sounds so changed and he sounds so different.  And I have heard all of it before.  So I remember that I can always hope, but I can never change a thing for him.  If it's true, it will play out in a real way.  If it's the usual BS, it will play out too.

This is my  life that I have to live.  That is his life that he has to live. I can love him with all my heart.  But he holds the key to his dreams and choices.  I hold the key to mine.  I can pray but I cannot control.  

I lived like that for so many years and nothing got better.  In fact, it got worse and worse.  Two weeks before he went to jail my husband and I were calling the police because the thug that said my son owed him money was at our door threatening our lives.  I don't want to live like that any more.  I don't want to hide my purse or not carry cash because it might get stolen.

I also don't want to see the precious boy I raised to be full of heart and adventure cooped up like a rat. Unthinkable.  It all feels like a terrible dream.  I guess I'm not as detached as I thought.  I guess I'm just compartmentalizing until I can let it out somewhere.  Like here. What a gift....and a release.  

My 22 year old has been on the psych ward at the county jail since 2/26 and he is not adjusting well. Any suggestions on what to say/do to help?

There are tons of ways to help fund your inmate. Add your ideas when you get them....

free printable greeting cards: use the websites I posted, and google others like them, to find limitless ways to express yourself for the cost of a ream of paper and a color printer (or access to one). Print out a four-fold card, unfold it, write on the inside (or print your text), fold it back up, and send it. It's a greeting card and a letter at the same time.

yard sales: if you've got the room for it, yard sale. Not just your stuff (cuz you eventually run out of stuff), but go around on sunday afternons and see if you find yard sale castoffs. One mans trash is another mans treasure. What someone doesn't have the patience to sell, you might. You can also ebay certain things.
Look for quality names at thrift stores, rehab the items if you want the best price and know how to, and yard sale it!

crafting: if you have a talent, use it. Small investments can pay off big. The four bracelets you see cost no more than $4-5 to make, and I'm getting $20-25 each for them. Craft something you know will move fast: whatever the next big wave is, catch it, knock it off, and sell the crap out of it. Get creative about where you sell. Not just at work, but fleamarkets, your own little roadside display outside your house, advertise on etsy and craigslist and ebay.

Always looking for ways to make $$$.

My son is in prison right now for a relatively short amount of time.  But he has been in and out of trouble since he was 10.  He is 24 now.  I want to believe him that this will be the last.  He decided to execute his sentence cuz he kept violating probation and ending up in jail.  So his solution is "If I am not under probation, I won't get in trouble."  UHH... I hope so. And isn't there parole?  I understand.  He drinks with his friends, and always has the threat of a random UA.  The things they want him to do for "drug court" make it impossible to have a life. I just hope he doesn't binge drink like he did before he went into prison."His last hurrah, he called it".  His blood alcohol was .326. Yikes! Almost his last day on earth. And that was after 6 hours of not drinking.  Both my children have alcohol and drug problems.  Their dad died on the couch in their home little by little from alcoholisim.  He wouldn't go to the doctor, so pancreatitis, cirrhosis, and probable lung cancer finally took his life. I am in awe that he never went to the doctor for help for his pain.  One night he finally couldnt take it, called 911 and died 3 days later. I was shocked.  My sons had not told me how bad it was.  Anyways, both my sons didn't know how to cope so they did what their dad did (and me too, as I have a prescription drug abuse past) was to drink, and if they found pills, they took them.  

I know other children's parents die and they don't go to prison.  My son has just this feeling of not thinking he needs to work hard.  He got an inheritence and blew it on drugs, alcohol and gambling. And got a DWI which helped suck it dry too.

He gets out in 5 months, which is small potatoes.  I hope the 23 hour lockdowns and the horrible withdrawals he had to go through will keep him on the straight and narrow.  One can only pray.

I have been having migraines, and I need to stop letting this affecting me so much.  My addiction affected my children's life, and before my son went into jail, we had a good talk, although he is in the "blame mom" phase.  I went through that with my mom, refusing to see her, and not letting her see my sons.  That is a long story, but I start seeing her again after a year, but I never let her watch my kids alone, especially overnight. She has such anger in her, and looks like a sweetie on the outside, but will rip you apart behind closed doors.  I worked so hard not to be like that and I think I succeeded.  But I struggled with a prescription drug addiction, used alcohol if I couldn't get my pills, lived with a guy for 3 years who was one of the meanest son of a bitches in the world.  My son's dad and I had gotten a divorce due to his alcoholism, because I cleaned up, and I couldn't live with his refusal to improve in any way.  

I am going off topic, not really talking about my son.  He got set up be a C.I. and sold 2 oz of pot to an undercover cop.  So, possession charge.  I got one of those, but I had children and a career (which went down the tubes anyways) and went the probation route, but I was moving around, broke and didn't keep in touch with them.  So they came pounded on my door on my son't 17th birthday and arrested me.  I did 10 days in prison and then 20 days house arrest.  It wasn't easy.  The corrections people treat you like a dog, but I did my 5 years probation and I have only a misdemeanor charge. Not even gross misdemeanor. My son didn't want people telling him what to do, now he has them treating him like a dog.  I feel horrible, and my worries have led to awful migraines..  I am on spring bread from school, and need to keep busy. I do have homework. Plenty. Just can't wait til a week from tomorrow to get it done.  

Please pray for my son, that maybe he learn something from this! And please pray that my migraines go away. They suck!!

Julie

Today my son and his incarceration are heavy on my heart. I don't know why. Some days are good and some days reality has its way of staring you hard right in the face of where he is--and that is not at home with the rest of the family.

I hate the color of orange! It's such an ugly color on men! It's degrading to say the least. But I never say that to my son. I smile a great big smile as I am looking into his eyes giving him a great big warm hug. I look past that color orange the entire visit even though it's glare is so bright and strong. All the men are in the visitation room--in orange! What strength that color yields in numbers! I hate the color orange...

I wish things were different. I wish I never allowed my son to leave California to go to Arizona for college. Can you believe it? Top college student now incarcerated? Someone wake me up from this nightmare please!

Where did we go wrong? What else could we have done? I blame myself (and nobody knows that but God and me). People think I have it altogether (they don't know). It's a face I put on because you can't handle the truth! You cannot understand the hurt that I bear of a lost son--you tell me to be "glad" that he's not dead! And that I am..BUT your son is not incarcerated or dead! Your advice is of no use! I recall the lyrics to a song..."My smile is (indeed) my frown..."

Lord, I am so sad...my heart leaks with tears. I know you are aware and I know that you care. But please help me--It is one of them days.

I pray for each and every mother whose heart cries too.

It's remarkable, really.

Some days, I feel like --- 'the system' just met its match.  I'm a consummate writer.  I live to be at a keyboard, opining endlessly, practicing my craft.  It's even scarier with a cell phone I can speak into a document, even while driving, effortlessly saying digitally those things that occur to you to say, right at all the wrong moments, and forget later when you're - say - blogging - like I am right now.

I'm aching to know the right time to  speak out.  I lack the knowledge of when would be a good time to bring some things about my own son to the judges attention when it comes time to sentencing him.  I hate bothering the lawyers about crap like this, because it costs money.  My brain, like a machine - never stops thinking of creative ways to advocate for him.  He's not innocent, but he's innocent.  The entire reason he's undergoing NGRI testing at all is not because he's insane - he completely lacks a criminal mind, except for lying, which I don't get, because I was never a liar - often to my own damn detriment I've found - is to bring Austin's life to the judges attention. That he was never a violent person, and that he was a good father, and even more tolerant husband, or so he thought.  Everyone that ever met Austin liked him.  He is a really good kid.

I want to show the judge, without incriminating his spouse, that Austin was set up to become violent - by his own wife.  Through her abuse.  It broke him down.  Nobody seems to be in agreement with that.  Even when there's evidence, with all the facts in the pool.

He was:

ADHD

PTSD

abused (fear,shame,guilt,hopeless,)

depressed

hormonal

anger issues

NO CHILD CARE/PARENTING/PRE-NATAL/INFANT-CARE CLASSES....  (For either of the parents)

I don't have any doubt in my mind why my son did what he did.  She fine-tuned that boy - she is the Dr. Frankenstein that created the Monster ...

I'm like a machine.  I just got done coaxing my printer to pre-print envelopes with my sons address, and stuck my return addy stickers on it, readying them in the folder I keep for all this stuff.  I'm looking into using my money orders, my postage costs, my envelope costs, and any related costs, in a separate folder to be used at tax time as a charitable deduction from my taxes.  Anything I buy for him, or on his behalf, I will insist on pigeonholing as tax deductible.  I'm not going to be able to claim him as a dependent, even though his incarceration began January 13th.

I'm even going to go to his wife's GoFundMe page and add $50 to her pot.  Tell her to go buy a dimer on me if she doesn't feel like spending it on my precious granddaughter, whom she has decided to put in peril.  Narcissistic bitch.  I will tend my sons needs alone, with those willing to help me help him.  Because.  I.  Am.  A.  Machine.

Just spoke to my daughter Jamie, that in itself is a positive thing.. she said the visit went well and she was impressed with how clean and tidy the facility is... AND, now that she's had a chance to check it out for herself, she's is considering taking the baby to visit (prayers, prayers).  Their biggest hurtle - what do they call Jessica?  Mom? Mama Jess? .. Auntie just wont work for anyone.. He's young enough that it wont matter right now and I told her there is plenty of time to figure it out, suggested Adoption Counseling or maybe a support group for Adoptive parents..  All in all though, the visit went very well.. Thank you Lord!!  And thank you all for all the prayers and well wishes.  We all know how stressful family dynamics can be in this situation and I'm so thankful for all of you!! 

Hello out there,

 I almost died and wanted to die when my son went away to prison on October 3. Then I bought a Labradoodle puppy and named him after my sons middle name. Then on January 12 I was diagnosed with 3rd stage breast cancer. I am now on my third round of chemo and one more toxic round then hopefully less poisonous chemo. The first thing I thought was, I will never see my son again. They sent him 6 hours away and he has been snowed in all winter. They sent him to the worst prison in Oregon.Snake River. The good news is he said they will move him closer while I am going through chemo so I can see him. I really did believe I gave my self cancer I wanted to die of the shame and trauma of having my son as The Nerdy Bandit. But you know what? When I found out about the cancer I started praying to forgive his bio father who got him addicted to Heroin and started doing drugs with him at age 13. I am in forgiveness mode big time. So now I have this 6 month old untrained giant doodle puppy and Standard Poodle who is trying to keep him in line. Named after my sons middle name Vachel. I thought this whole ordeal isolated me but you know what? Cancer and chemo really does isolate you. I have a great new job that I am trying to keep but I work in a Hospital with so many germs I am missing tons of work. My sons twin has been really giving me grief and they are 32 so now it's time for me to love and let go. I am working hard on all of this. When I talk to my son in Prison I am so sad I can't snap out of it and my letters are such debbie downers. I know the worst is almost over but I can't believe the luck I have had lately. I have no hair and wigs are not very comfortable or fun when you have to wear them. I am writing to hopefully connect with others who are going through the loss of a son in prison. The Cancer is just the icing on the cake, but you know what? It made me have to start taking care of my self or else die. I am working so hard to be positive and replace my thoughts with good ones. I have had to change everything in my life to do so because I was attracting negative blood sucking vampires. Now I am alone with dogs but starting to re-create my whole reality. I just want to send love and prayers to everyone out there. I know there is a bigger picture and that we are all a teeny tiny part but we can change our thoughts or retrain our brains. It's so great when I have gotten to Skype with my son and I am grateful for that. I am just not very good at chit chat or small talk. It is so important to stay connected and did I mention they are moving my son closer so I can see him while I am fighting cancer. When he was out on bail he met a woman and now they are engaged to be married. I guess it will be a prison wedding. I have to love and let go. This is not at all how I planned our family to go, but it's all so out of my hands now. Thank you for letting me share.