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I am having a hard time today. My son is having a harder time so I am stressed. His brothers and dad only want from him. They offer to get him food boxes and clothes boxes, but won't because he won't give them his property. I am struggling to keep him afloaf and myself. It's just alot. He is in programs and was excited about them. Now he is so down. He just wants the same support he gave them when they went through anything. He sounds so defeated. I am so afraid that my baby will give up. All I can do is cry.

I haven't visited for a while so it's time to catch up. My son, Bryan now has 25 months left to serve. He was arrested on June 5, 2014 and placed under house arrest for the following year. He was placed in Lexington Medical Federal Facility on June 23, 2015.
Since he was incarcerated, his grandfather (my father) has passed away and of course, Bryan is heartsick that he will never see his Charlie again. His cat, The Dude, has also died, Several close family members and friends have also passed away. There is just telling how this feels for Bryan. His guilt and shame eat him alive every day.
I know that when he is released he, like any other former inmate, will need care for post-traumatic syndrome. I doubt that his dad and I will be enough to get him through this. I will be searching locally for mental health care soon as it takes a long time to familiarize ourselves with that community. If any of you have been through this, I would love to hear from.
Your children are always in my thoughts and prayers. I hope my son is in yours.

I pick myself up when I fall because I know you need me.

I run for the phone because I don't want to miss your call.  I know it might be a day or three until the next one.

My heart breaks a little when I don't get to the phone in time.

I have chosen a radical acceptance of everything that has led up to this point because I know it is the only way to move on.

Sometimes the guilt still creeps in to gnaw on me.

I cherish the fact that you are still alive and I can still see you.

I am sad that I cannot hug you.

I am happy when I can make you smile.

I do not condone your actions. 

I still love you with all my heart.

Sometimes I have to paint on a smile for encouragement.

I love it when we can make each other laugh.

I don't sleep at night anymore, it's to quiet to still, the night are long I worry is he hungry? is he ? does he feel ok? is he cold ?did he have a good day?  Is he scared?  Afraid? Lonely?  Did he smile today?  Does he know how Very much I miss him?that I would take his place in an instant.   My God does he know I prey for him constantly?, the night are long I don't sleep at anymore.  .

I sit here tonight recovering from a huge anxiety attack last night.  The next day I felt like I had been run over by a bus.  I can deal but its kind of shocking when it comes about.  

A little about me, I am a mother of an Incarcerated son.  He went in a little over a year ago, directly from the hospital where he stayed for 9 days after being shot.  Essentially, he was involved in a drug deal that went bad.  His injuries have healed on the outside, but now he is dealing with reality.  I feel like I have been living a lifetime movie.  I still feel like this is all surreal.  I actually got to physically hug him 2 weeks ago, an early birthday present.  It was very bittersweet.  He is looking at 7-10 years if he decides to plea out and not go to trial.  He is not sure what he wants to do yet.  WAITING IS THE HARDEST PART.....I ache for him so much it hurts me to my core.  Other days I am good and can function and work.  Sometimes the work helps.  I am a massage therapist/esthetician/energy worker/makeup artist.  This mothers day was ok.....sad but ok.  I worked so that helped.  How do you all deal day to day.  Tips would be helpful.  I have my own list like, talk to someone, go to group, get a massage, pedicure, have lunch with a friend.  I go visit at least once a week on video, until he gets out of county.  I usually talk to him every day.  Lately, he has not called and its hurting....I can feel he is assessing what he should do.  I have a visit set up for tomorrow so I will get to see him.  Ahhhh the new normal....I am sorry to say it sucks.  Thank you for letting me vent.  I appreciate it makes me feel not so alone and crazy.  

Anthony's Mom

106 years

11 suspended =

95 years

30 - 60 before eligible for parole

Numbness has set in.

Yes, there are moments of anxiety but I find myself having reached a place of calm. I know at this point there is nothing I can do that will change what is to come. I can and will continue to be a place of peace for my son.  I hope for the best. I encourage him to stay positive and look at the bright side of things. 

When I fall in to an anxious moment I remind myself that he is still alive. That I can still see him and speak to him. And I am so thankful for these things.

• Hi.  My son is in jail.  Again.  He was convicted of manslaughter in the 90s.  He did every day of his 12 year sentence.  There was no hope for him.  When he was arrested, it made the news.  The media tried him long before the courts.  When he was found guilty, I begged for mercy at sentencing and was told by the judge that he had the luxury of a middle class upbringing but had forsaken it so he was to be an example.  He could be raped in jail or killed, it did not matter.  And every time he was up for release he was denied.  I found out later that as a juvenile in the adult system, they got more money for him so of course he was never going to go early.  He did his time.  He killed his number.  He was doning well.  Then he met her.  The girl who is trying to steal the rest of his life.  He tried to break up with her.  She filed bogus domestic violence charges.  He was arrested at work by a SWAT team.  It doesn't matter that he has witnesses on the night in question, it doesn't matter that she has done this to other men before, it doesn't matter that she did not go to the doctor, all that matters is he is an exconvict .  He is facing 16 years.  If he is convicted, I will be dead before he gets out.  I am angry and lost.  I have no money so no one will help me.  I hav3 no friends to talk to about this because they all feel like maybe he does deserve this after all he is an exconvict .  I feel like such an a.ien.  No one gets it.  I have to stay away from her because I do not trust myself a.   Will I ever get to be happy.

I just got back to town after being gone for two weeks for work.  Jordan is in the seg mod right now because he was threatened so he PC'd up to avoid a write up prior to sentencing.  That means he can only have visits at 7am or 5pm.  It's just over an hour drive from my house to the jail and you have to be there an hour early for check in.  My alarm went off a 4:20am...left the house at 5am....got there at 6am...waited over 20 minutes for check in only to be told I couldn't visit because I had a zipper on my shirt.

I left there and my heart caved in.  It's been over two weeks since we had a visit.  Sentencing is in less than a week.  And I've just spent the last two weeks working my butt off and keeping it together.  It was the final straw.  I cried my eyes out the entire hour drive home.  When I got home I sucked it up and helped my little girl do her hair for crazy hair day at school.  Dad took them to school and I crawled back in bed and pulled the covers up and cried some more.

Today sucked.  Tomorrow I will take a friggin duffel bag of extra clothes and see my son.  Tomorrow is a new day.

Congrats to Mary Flores. Thanks for all you do. It is a well deserved recognition.
Denise

My son is 20 yo. Were in wv and he hasnt made ot to prison yet. He was sentenced. He has alot of issues. He struggles and has for sometime.  

 Its a very long story. Just a lil history here because if i could ever help anyone who has hone thru the hell he and our family has i would. 

He was molested by a family member. Someone we truested. He was about 4ish and this person was still living at home and was about 9ish. When we discovered this happened we got in couseling and reported it. 

My kido struggled he was a backwards shy kido. Eventually thru the years especially once hitting puberty depression, suicidal tendencies, 

Dx bi-polar, sever anxiety, flash backs. 

He was and asked for help. He was thinking of younger kids. 

I got him into a long term treatment program age 14 and he was there for year and half. We myself,  my spouse (step dad), grandma went to family couseling and educational meetings for support. He did make some progress. The person that had gotten to the point of no emotion finally showed emotion and smiled and i felt like my kid was there and had been gone for such a long time. 

He was arrested it been almost 2 yrs ago. He was falling into the deep dark place again. He asked me for help and we search high and low 

State after state for long term treatment. Just couseling by itself wasnt enough for him. I have good insurance. It doesnt cover long term and to make it to long term before i had to move him in with family just so he would qualify for medical card. Why!!!!!!

Well i found the 2nd facility in sc. He qualified for treatment but....my insurance wouldnt pay long term and being 18yo medical cards change for mental health coverage. 

He was arrested for soliciting a minor. 

That was a hard pill to swallow. It was on the news over and over. 

Its easy to judge people unless your there. No one really knew what kind of hell we had been in until then. Its not something you just talk to others about. I called into work 3 days that week. I couldnt face my peers. They texted and were supportive. I only wish my son was able to get help when he asked for it. 

He has been thru so much. I try to believe there is something good at the end of all this but i dont know....

So here we are still in the western regional jail in wv 

Waiting to prison. He has gotten no therapy. Nothing. 

He was sexually assalted in the beginning. It took over 2 weeks to get his meds restarted when he was arrested. He was so sick.

They still dont give the meds properly. 

He is on a mood stabalizer and just 2 weeks ago they decreased it by 1/2. He said he can tell and he needs it. The co's really ride him hard because of his charge. 

Today during my visit he was still in a cell that had feces splattered all over the walls and he has asked clean it. The co's had him placed on suicide percautions because he broke a sprinkler after asking multiple times for medical due to chest pain. So they punished him. I dont agree with him busting the aprinkler. But if someone needs medical attention they should be able to get it. He hasnt been out of that cell in over 48 hrs. I called thursday myself and asked for the cell to be cleaned. 

There is an inmate also taking food off trays so he isnt getting all of his tray. The co's once again turn a blind eye. So while i visited today i talked to who was in charge and again i let them know what i had already talked with someone else about. 

I wrote down names dates so i have a journal of what has happened.

Ty for listening 

We need some direction mary

3 birthdays 3 Christmas  and a boy that is just 21 thank you so much for the card program. For all mothers the pain of this situation is beyond words. I want to thank Cheryl Kathy and Rhonda the cards meant a lot to Colton. 

Good moring everyone!

I know its been awhile since I have posted about Darion, I apologize as I let life happen.  I hope everyones' child' son/daughter is in great spirits and actively praying as prayer is Key!  Just a quick update on Darion, he was moved from Lopez State Jail back to Garza West. Ive been praying about the drive from Katy to Edingburg and thinking about the long hours we have his toddler son in the car for coming and going.  Well he is in Beeville now and that shaves two hours off our drive time...... GOD IS GOOD. He's eligible for visits but I don't know much about the facility.  Can anyone help?