The Begining

So my life changed FOREVER on Jan 22, 2016!! My son was arrested and taken from our home in front of his 5 year old sister and his daughter (she was to young to know what was going on). The Federal Marshals surrounded our house and took my only son away, at the time I had no clue what he had done. But know almost a year and 1/2 later my son is being sentenced to 20 - 40 years in jail - no parole till 20 years!!! My son was 21 years old when he was arrested, his life had not even really began - I had hopes and so many dreams for him that he never got to accomplish. I have two children my son and my daughter. My children own my heart and with one gone - it feels like my heart doesn't even beat the same anymore. it sounds crazy! I pride my self on being a good mother, but I feel that at some point I dropped the ball. I feel like I was not hard enough on my son or maybe I didn't give him something in life that he needed and that caused him to get in trouble - I just don't know!! I have millions of emotions all the time. One minute I am okay, the very next minute I am fighting back tears at work or on the highway!! I try to keep it together in front of my daughter, but at times I feel like I am going to explode. I should win an academy award for best actress, because I turn on a smile and a happy voice in a minute - but inside I am totally DEAD!! I feel like I am having a HORRIBLE dream and can not wait to wake up, but then I realize am already awake - and the nightmare is real and I am living it. NEVER in a MILLION years would I ever think I would be visiting my son in PRISON!! I worry and fear for him every sleeping and waking second of my day. I talk to him at least every other day and he sounds fine, but sometimes I know its just his "poker voice" for me and at times I put on my "poker voice" for him. He said to me today on the phone "i will make it back home mom"!!, I wanted to just crawl thru the phone and hug him and say "i know you will". I believe with all my heart that he will make it back home, but at what cost! What will prison turn him in to! I LOVE MY SON and I WILL BE THERE FOR HIM EVERY STEP OF THE WAY, even when others have left his side, he knows his mother will always be in his corner - right or wrong - Mom is always going to be there!!!

I am glad I found this site, so that I can express myself to others that are going thru the same experience and just share my thoughts that have me feeling like I am going to go crazy!!!

Teresa, I have been right where you are. 6 years ago my only son the baby brother to 3 sisters was sentenced 28 to 50 years. In my wildest nightmares did I ever think I would have a child in prison. We are a normal middle class family, our 3 daughters are college educated my son took a different root and did 5 years in the Marine Corp, did 2 tours of duty. He came home different, quieter, anxious. he drank heavily in attempt to self medicate. He hid his feelings from us and his wife, he had trouble sleeping. He did not realize that alcohol was a toxin for him, he had blackouts. Short story he is now serving a very long sentence.

In the beginning, I couldn't eat, sleep or focus. I took a leave of absence from my job, I felt like everyone was whispering about us. I was worried sick that something horrible would happen to my son. I never thought we could live a happy life again but you know what, here I am 6 years later and I am happy, I do miss my son and my heart is still broken but I have found ways to enjoy my day to day living 10 grandchildren help and my husband and I have shared 45 years of marriage, when I am down he picks me up and vice versa. God is the director of my path, at times I do get off track and that will happen.

I lift you and your son in prayer. I know this is not easy and people just do not understand. Try to surround yourself with positive people, Lord knows there is so much negativity surrounding us as it is. The Moms here are great and want to help, just turn to any of us if needed, we can be great listeners and sometimes we can pretty good advice when asked. Keep your head up Mama and sending hugs to you Deb

Jeremiah29:11 " For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord. " Plans to prosper you and not harm you. Plans to give you Hope and a future" God Bless

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Comments

Heather June 5, 2017 at 4:20am

Peace and blessings I hope it gets easier for you and that your son makes the most of his harsh sentence.
Tina Johnson May 20, 2017 at 3:28pm

Thank you Teresa and company for opening up and sharing. I too, know and share your emotions, especially the fear of the unknown for my son' future. Will he be "reformed" or rehabilitated? Who really knows? I've somewhat lost faith in our justice system, especially since our local DA refused to hear my son's case in mental health collaborative court vs criminal. What a joke! And mind you, my son's MH issues are well documented, to day the least. I wonder every day, where did I go wrong? Will he be ok in THAT place? And will he be there for his precious 3 yr old daughter like my dad was for his daughters? Sooooo many questions and emotions constantly plague my mind, all while attempting to trek through my days in the classroom with eighth graders. Still, I continue to pray for my son and for other young men who have been thrown into this non-restorative justice realm of madness. Peace and blessings dear ladies.
Cindy Robertson May 1, 2017 at 7:53pm

I feel the pain that you are feeling. I wish I could tell you that someday your life will be the same but I can't. It seems that I have a new normal. I don't think I have ever felt pain like this. It seems likely life was so easy before. It does get better, but I will never be the same. My son also has 20 year before parrol and them has 8 years federal time. I am 63 yrs old and fear that I will never see my son out of prison. I will not be there to help him.

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lauri April 28, 2017 at 7:01pm

these emotions you convey are spot on....as if you have tapped in to my feelings daily....Im so sorry you are going through this ....with God's grace we will all feel joy again.
Merrilie April 25, 2017 at 10:40am

Your story is all to familiar to mine. I also have a young Son in the Federa System also.
Your in a great place for understanding and support.
Deb April 25, 2017 at 7:42am

Oh how you described my life and feelings. Thank you for sharing. (And thanks for the loving responses from Deb and Mary). MISS Moms get it. I hate that we are in this club but have found true compassion here. Prayers and hugs to you and all of us. God bless.
Duecesmom~Deb April 25, 2017 at 2:28am

Teresa, I have been right where you are. 6 years ago my only son the baby brother to 3 sisters was sentenced 28 to 50 years. In my wildest nightmares did I ever think I would have a child in prison. We are a normal middle class family, our 3 daughters are college educated my son took a different root and did 5 years in the Marine Corp, did 2 tours of duty. He came home different, quieter, anxious. he drank heavily in attempt to self medicate. He hid his feelings from us and his wife, he had trouble sleeping. He did not realize that alcohol was a toxin for him, he had blackouts. Short story he is now serving a very long sentence.

In the beginning, I couldn't eat, sleep or focus. I took a leave of absence from my job, I felt like everyone was whispering about us. I was worried sick that something horrible would happen to my son. I never thought we could live a happy life again but you know what, here I am 6 years later and I am happy, I do miss my son and my heart is still broken but I have found ways to enjoy my day to day living 10 grandchildren help and my husband and I have shared 45 years of marriage, when I am down he picks me up and vice versa. God is the director of my path, at times I do get off track and that will happen.

I lift you and your son in prayer. I know this is not easy and people just do not understand. Try to surround yourself with positive people, Lord knows there is so much negativity surrounding us as it is. The Moms here are great and want to help, just turn to any of us if needed, we can be great listeners and sometimes we can pretty good advice when asked. Keep your head up Mama and sending hugs to you Deb

Jeremiah29:11 " For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord. " Plans to prosper you and not harm you. Plans to give you Hope and a future" God Bless

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