Tomorrow is the big yard sale. Finally, getting the garage back to well, being a garage. The house is on the market and it is time to let go of all of this stuff and begin our new chapter. I am not really sure what that means. We do want a smaller home, big yard so we have space for the dogs and my thoughts. Is there really enough land to carry the real estate that exists between my ears? I am not sure.
We cleared all the closets and other stuff to move last November so the house could be listed for sale. The residue of our lives that we no longer find useful went into the garage to await “the sale”. I don’t even think there is a lot of Greg’s stuff in the sale. I really don’t know where most of it is. The clothing I think is mostly in boxed and we have his apartment worth of furniture in storage. All that stuff and what it means, is so blurry, like I wasn’t present in the decision to pack up and store it. I cannot bring myself to do anything but know it is somewhere, waiting for him to come home and make a new home, like this never happened.
But, we are indeed selling Greg’s car. It has sat in the driveway since December. The engine won’t start because the battery is dead, like the hope for a better outcome became. God has a way of making you do things that are hard. Before Greg went in prison, he got pulled over for expired plates. He figured, why get the inspection and pay to renew the registration for two months for a car that won’t last until he comes out. I can’t say that I blame him. I get it. So he had pending charges that could be dismissed is we sold it before May 17. If we didn’t sell it he would have acquired hundreds more dollars in fines, charges and etc. I dare say that if that wasn’t hanging there to take care of for him, the car could go the same way as all the rest of his stuff. Put someplace for safekeeping.
So tonight, I have a friend, student of mine in my class who heard I was selling a car. She asked the details and wants it for her indigent sister to help her get to her doctor’s appointments. It didn’t even make it to the sale tomorrow. Effortlessly, letting it go was graced upon us. No dickering, negotiating, conditions, concerns about finances, so easy. As usual, what we really need to have happen is divinely inspired. Hell, it’s even for a good cause, someone that needs this broken car that belonged to a broken young man.
Why can’t my heart let of him not needing this car? Why is it still hard that he has nowhere to go, no choices, while I watch and wait adding more thought structures to the real estate in my head? My mind should be for sale by owner, I am clearly offering free rent to these sad thoughts. I miss you Greg.
Sigh. Your Mom
Comments
Thanks Dianne, sending prayers for you too. I am still pretty discerning about who knows that Greg is on jail but feel like I am constantly outing myself and the do see that some folks just don't know what to say to me after that. I am happy to hear you are in your grandson's life. Like me, this is not the only part of my life, just another element that is different "than theirs" so it does not define all of my other activities, thoughts and etc. It does however come up. I prefer talking to folks that I can reference Greg with but I also need other things just for me in my life so I don't bring him to those spaces. I always feel there like I am sort of lying/hiding my representation of ME, but it is better than feeling all alone.
My son still thinks his truck is at his dad's house. He tells me to make sure his dad starts it and drives it around so that when he comes home he can go get a job. I don't have the heart to tell him it was sold 2 or 3 months ago. We cleaned out the house in the country and discarded all of his and his girlfriend's belongings. She is incarcerated as well and I don't want to have to deal with her "stuff." Might be a different story if she had not thrown him "under the bus!" He has court this Thursday...drug charges and tampering with evidence. Another "status" hearing. Supposed to be pouring down rain. I told him today that I probably would not go...trying to not have to see a family whose daughter was involved in the situation that got him where he is today. Also, I have noticed people being strangely "cool" toward me the last couple of weeks. I attended 3 of my middle grandson's playoff baseball games and got the cold shoulder. Saturday, I attended my youngest grandson's Opening Day event for youth baseball. I wanted to cry when he started hollering for me to see him in outfield. I love that little man ( 11 years old)...his dad is also doing time for various crimes. I don't think he has seen his dad since he was 4 or 5. Maybe I am overreacting...it just hurts to be rejected by people I have known all of my life! Becky, my heart hurts for you...people who don't have sons who are incarcerated don't have a clue how we feel..Well, it is almost 2:30 am...I had better get some sleep. Prayers for all of you moms...
Mary you are always a welcome hug for me. Thanks
Thanks for your comments and sharing my Mom friends. You mean more to me than I can ever express. The turn of events is that everyone that came to the sale initially all wanted it at the price we asked, even if it didn't start. I was misinformed or misunderstood that the notarized transfer of title was all we need to pass along for sale with counter signature. It now appears that we need to get the title registered in NC to me so I can sell it. At least now we know but it will take 3-4 weeks to transfer and we go again. So good news, it will be easy to sell and we can probably ask more. Just a delay. On another note a lot of people asked about tools and he has a table saw in the garage and and circular saw. I guess I will sell them tomorrow. It makes me sad. In reality, when he gets out, his dad will be in his later 70's so he probably won't be using his too much if Greg really needs or wants one then. The money will help with commissary and travel and mail and magazines and you all know the rest of this routine.
I watched a program tonight, "Hell's Kitchen" and one of the final contestants chatting with Gordon Ramsey talked about how ready she is to get her life together and move forward, now that she knows what she wants, she is 27. Greg is 29 and feels the same way but his choices and mandatory state minimums means he won't get to move forward for a long time. I am sad and mad and tired. I wrote to him tonight and really didn't want to, was okay after I did but kind of wanted off this train. Do you ever feel that way? Hugs Ya'll - Thanks for hanging out in this space with me.
I had my son's car in my driveway for several months. My kid kept telling me to sell it. I really couldn't afford the extra car payment especially with all the money that goes to his commissary and phone calls. It hurt to come home and see it. There was always that split second of thinking he had come to see me. Then reality. My daughters girlfriend was in an accident and offered to buy it. The timing and ease was perfect. But then coming home and not seeing it was hard. It's crazy, it's just a a car. I still haven't told him I sold it. I know it was the smart thing to do but I feel like I betrayed him. He will be 26 in a couple months but more like 12 or 13 mentally. I know he won't be mad but I just feel guilty and can't tell him.
My son seems to think all his clothes and his broke down car will all be in tip top condition and just fine for him when he gets out in 15 years. Try telling someone who thinks like a 12 year old even though he is 22 that you have packed his stuff up only keeping a few things and hope to junk his car to be able to put some $ on his commissary account. We just have not told him we sent most of his clothes to the Goodwill, only keeping his Cowboy hat and boots. His little brother took a few of his shirts and his hat so he could feel close to him ( little bro is not allowed to go see him due to his charges) And his car... well my dad is "parting" it out.. what few parts on that run down hunk of junk can be used anyways. This is the new normal. 1 year old County jaiol and coming up on 1 year of State Prison... I am almost used to it. Almost
Thanks Janet
Hugs Becky
Thinking of you tonight. Sadly having to let go of the things your son doesn't need for now is very hard. Praying for you!!