Hi. I'm new here still trying to figure out how to navigate the site and use it best to both offer and receive support. I love the idea that you are all moms and that many of you seek inspiration and strength from the Lord. I too know that He is the source of my peace, understanding and even the love that I offer others.
I'm wondering if any of you walk the same path as I do. I am the mother of a juvenile lifer. While he is not my biological son, he is my son in every other sense of the word. He is the same age as my oldest and when God placed him in my path, he was alone, without the love of a family.
It is impossible to convey how close we have become over the years and how proud I am of him. He has been in prison 14 years for a crime he was involved in at the age of 15. He was not the trigger person, nor did he even plan or desire the loss of life that occurred----yet he has the same sentence. But aside from the bleakness of his sentence he is a model inmate and well respected by inmates and guards alike. Clearly he is no longer the misguided, homeless young 15 year old he once was. He loves God, does his best to serve him, and has begun course work for a degree in Christian Studies.
Most of the time we do fine. We laugh and joke and push aside our sorrows. If you walked by during a visit you would never know we had a care in the world. But the sorrows are there nevertheless; and as I look at the long road ahead of me there are times I am afraid.
I know many of you experience the same heartache I do. But I wonder if any of you share the same fear that that heartache may never end, ie, that I may be visiting this prison 25 years from now as an old woman, hoping to keep my son's hope from completely extinguishing. I thought it might be helpful to connect with a mom who is enduring the same things as I am.
I have turned it all over to God. He is the source of all my strength and courage. But there are times, like today, that the sadness boils up through the cracks and I just have to cry. I think God understands.
Thank you for reading this--- and for this website. I pray that I may be of some help and service to some of you.
God Bless you all!
Comments
Thanks so much to all you moms for your kind, supportive remarks. The hardest thing for me is when I see the sadness behind the mask he wears because he doesn't want me to worry. During our last visit he "joked' around that if he ever got out of prison it would be as an old man pushing a walker. He can be so funny at times with when he acts out his little charade we all laugh. But I know its his way of hiding the terror he feels and I just don't know how to relieve his fears---or even address them.
I know he will only get through this with the help of God---and he is a believer. But he struggles so much with understanding how his life can possibly have a purpose if it is to be lived behind bars until he dies.
Thanks again for the support. Most days I get by ok, but sometimes it just gets to be a bit too much. I know you moms understand. :)
Hi . I have sent you a friend request. I am new to this site, but I can tell you that I have found more love and caring support here than I have found anywhere. We all know how you feel and we all share your sorrow. From what I can see, our kids have sentences ranging anywhere from 6 months to 30 years and beyond. I know how you feel. I cry almost every day. It is so hard to reconcile this to being part of God's perfect plan. It is hard to understand that I may not ever be able to share a relationship with my son, outside of jail, until we get to heaven. And it makes me mad and sometimes i say to God, "you could have stopped this. this didn't have to happen. You made Tyler and you knew he was going to do this. How can you be a loving FAther." But He is and I know that even in the midst of my suffering, He continues to be faithful and bring forth miracles. I have kind of brought myself to the place that this is my new normal, and I just try to find whatever happiness or peace I can in just today. I can't worry about tomorrow. And in my search, when the pain becomes too much to bear, and the sadness is overwhelming, I just cry. We are all here for you and we all KNOW the pain you feel. The greatest comfort for me in finding this website has been finding a place where I don't have to explain why I am crying AGAIN, or why I am SAD again today, or the fact that I will carry this broken heart for the rest of my life. My son is serving 18 years. And while it is not a life sentence, it is a lifetime. I will be 73 when he is released, he will be 43 and my granddaughter, his daughter, will be 21. I know your pain. We are all here for you.