Hello out there,
I almost died and wanted to die when my son went away to prison on October 3. Then I bought a Labradoodle puppy and named him after my sons middle name. Then on January 12 I was diagnosed with 3rd stage breast cancer. I am now on my third round of chemo and one more toxic round then hopefully less poisonous chemo. The first thing I thought was, I will never see my son again. They sent him 6 hours away and he has been snowed in all winter. They sent him to the worst prison in Oregon.Snake River. The good news is he said they will move him closer while I am going through chemo so I can see him. I really did believe I gave my self cancer I wanted to die of the shame and trauma of having my son as The Nerdy Bandit. But you know what? When I found out about the cancer I started praying to forgive his bio father who got him addicted to Heroin and started doing drugs with him at age 13. I am in forgiveness mode big time. So now I have this 6 month old untrained giant doodle puppy and Standard Poodle who is trying to keep him in line. Named after my sons middle name Vachel. I thought this whole ordeal isolated me but you know what? Cancer and chemo really does isolate you. I have a great new job that I am trying to keep but I work in a Hospital with so many germs I am missing tons of work. My sons twin has been really giving me grief and they are 32 so now it's time for me to love and let go. I am working hard on all of this. When I talk to my son in Prison I am so sad I can't snap out of it and my letters are such debbie downers. I know the worst is almost over but I can't believe the luck I have had lately. I have no hair and wigs are not very comfortable or fun when you have to wear them. I am writing to hopefully connect with others who are going through the loss of a son in prison. The Cancer is just the icing on the cake, but you know what? It made me have to start taking care of my self or else die. I am working so hard to be positive and replace my thoughts with good ones. I have had to change everything in my life to do so because I was attracting negative blood sucking vampires. Now I am alone with dogs but starting to re-create my whole reality. I just want to send love and prayers to everyone out there. I know there is a bigger picture and that we are all a teeny tiny part but we can change our thoughts or retrain our brains. It's so great when I have gotten to Skype with my son and I am grateful for that. I am just not very good at chit chat or small talk. It is so important to stay connected and did I mention they are moving my son closer so I can see him while I am fighting cancer. When he was out on bail he met a woman and now they are engaged to be married. I guess it will be a prison wedding. I have to love and let go. This is not at all how I planned our family to go, but it's all so out of my hands now. Thank you for letting me share.
Comments
You have been through so much. I have lost a son to prison in Texas. He is serving a life term sentence. I understand the pain you feel. Taking care of yourself is so important. I almost died physically. When I got out of the hospital, it was rough. No one except my teenage son to help me. Now, two years later, I'm stronger. I recently joined a gym since I have gained so much weight and feel so unhealthy. Also, trying to find a church to attend. Something that has helped me is "The Four Agreements". It is awesome. Stay positive. Enjoy those pets, mine keep me company. And yes, let go of the sucking vampires. I have, and it is awesome. You are NOT alone.