Today my son and his incarceration are heavy on my heart. I don't know why. Some days are good and some days reality has its way of staring you hard right in the face of where he is--and that is not at home with the rest of the family.
I hate the color of orange! It's such an ugly color on men! It's degrading to say the least. But I never say that to my son. I smile a great big smile as I am looking into his eyes giving him a great big warm hug. I look past that color orange the entire visit even though it's glare is so bright and strong. All the men are in the visitation room--in orange! What strength that color yields in numbers! I hate the color orange...
I wish things were different. I wish I never allowed my son to leave California to go to Arizona for college. Can you believe it? Top college student now incarcerated? Someone wake me up from this nightmare please!
Where did we go wrong? What else could we have done? I blame myself (and nobody knows that but God and me). People think I have it altogether (they don't know). It's a face I put on because you can't handle the truth! You cannot understand the hurt that I bear of a lost son--you tell me to be "glad" that he's not dead! And that I am..BUT your son is not incarcerated or dead! Your advice is of no use! I recall the lyrics to a song..."My smile is (indeed) my frown..."
Lord, I am so sad...my heart leaks with tears. I know you are aware and I know that you care. But please help me--It is one of them days.
I pray for each and every mother whose heart cries too.
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I know the feeling. It has become harder to stay hopeful for him. I have been telling him that I believe that he will not have to serve the entire 10 years; but I don't even believe it anymore. Everyone who said they could help us has now said they can't. His friends and some family have stopped contacting him. Giving the excuse that they just get busy with their life. It comes down to just me and his sister. I wish I had allowed my son to not move with us; because that is what led to his downfall. We have to remember that there is nothing we could have done to stop it. We raised our boys (and girls) the best we could giving them all we had. And yet, for some unknown reason, they chose to say yes when they should have said no. And some are serving very long sentences for that choice. God has a plan for each of our children on his time and we have to wait patiently. Thank God for this organization that allows us to vent and support one another as only we can. Hugs for all the moms suffering right now. You are in my prayers.
.just some days better than others. Hoping tomorrow sheds some sunlight on you. Hugs and prayers.
Pamela, I know exactly how you feel. People always ask how am I able to stay upbeat and positive with all that has happened. It is a choice most days not to be glum. But the last few days my son has been on my mind and all I want to do is figure out a way to get him out sooner. He is already sentenced, but I see documentaries where evidence can be brought up and the case reopened. And I think, maybe that could be us. I drive myself crazy with "what if's". I, too, blame myself. And he tells me all the time that it is nothing that I did or didn't do. He had the world at his feet, never been in trouble and at 29 make a one second decision that has changed the course of his life. I see his friends get married and having children and it is so hard not to be sad for what he is missing out on. But this group has been a God send for me. Know one else will ever understand but those that have walked in our shoes. I will keep you and your son in my prayers. On a lighter note, when I was reading the do's and don'ts of what to wear when visiting my son, it actually said No Orange Jumpsuits. I had to laugh thinking who on earth would even own an orange jumpsuit. God bless, better days are ahead even when we don't see them.