Green Monsters showing up in Happy Places

The internet pages are filled with graduations and new beginnings! We have very good friends who have fought hard for their kids to get a great education, scholarships that they always dreamed of, honor roll, academic and humanitarian award certificates, and so much more. I really am so thrilled to see the fruits of all their efforts, the kids and parents. And I found myself also so self-absorbed that I felt angry, cheated and sad. I really didn’t expect to have that monster poke its head into my business.

I was frankly surprised at myself at my first reaction; thank God the second was grace. I mentioned to my husband while in tears what had just happened and he simply commented that he didn’t have any reaction like that at all. I sat with that for a piece. Then I pondered it again and realized that In the beginning, I held up so strong for Greg, my husband and other sons who were all so mad they couldn’t be there for Greg, that I had no time to fall into the poor me, life is unfair bucket of emotions. I had things to do, I had some fixing to get busy with, I had some people that needed my strength and in the end, it all washed down the drain anyway.

Don’t get me wrong, I did help my husband see that anger wasn’t the only emotion and that it was just the other side of love. I did support Greg in the pre-prison days while out on bail to get the help he needed so the addicted crazy person was two years in the past and a healthy man, who will survive this dammit, was sent to the custody of NCDOC. But that doesn’t change that tonight I am so very sad and feel really cheated.

I am also really mad that this joy, I want to be elated and excited about for my friends is also tarnished by this stupid, unjust, senseless system that rules our lives for the next many years. I want to shower them with sincere good wishes and my words, cards and etc. do just that but a piece of me wants to be celebrating this in my family too today. It’s just not on my dance card this time around.

So I write my nightly letters and cards to my Greg and others, pretend all is well in this world out here, you know , like I am not skipping a beat so that he doesn’t beat himself up more for the pain he has caused. And it will be okay, it has been so far but tonight I want to be preparing the celebration. Do you think anyone will come if we celebrate Greg’s incarceration? The anniversary next January? Send cards if he gets his “greens” and move to minimum? Maybe I’ll post that online and see if I get all the congrats too.

Okay sorry for the sad rant. I know you Mom’s get this. Thanks for listening.

I get your pain. I had to shut down Facebook for several days, because I was too depressed to share good news in anyone else's life. I become angry with God for allowing my son to make such a bad choice to drink and drive. I become angry at God for letting other people get away with it. It's true we don't see the complete picture of people on facebook, I'm limiting my personal stuff on there. Just sharing spiritual and political messages. It's true people who didn't go through it will not get it, unless they are close to you, and even family sometimes blames us the parents, for the divorce, trusting our kids, little supervision as I worked as a single Mom in their teen years, too trusting,enabling because of guilt . The list goes on...we all beat ourselves up, but I'm going to take care of me so I can be strong for my son's and not worry about what others think, and if "friends" are too shallow to join in your happiness and sadness of life. They're not worth being around. Be kind,be classy, just bow out of any in fruitful relationship. Thank God for spouses, I haven't one but I can just imagine the comfort that must bring. Hold unto all good supports that help you. GOD bless everyone....Amen

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Comments

Janet gring June 7, 2016 at 5:14am

I get your pain. I had to shut down Facebook for several days, because I was too depressed to share good news in anyone else's life. I become angry with God for allowing my son to make such a bad choice to drink and drive. I become angry at God for letting other people get away with it. It's true we don't see the complete picture of people on facebook, I'm limiting my personal stuff on there. Just sharing spiritual and political messages. It's true people who didn't go through it will not get it, unless they are close to you, and even family sometimes blames us the parents, for the divorce, trusting our kids, little supervision as I worked as a single Mom in their teen years, too trusting,enabling because of guilt . The list goes on...we all beat ourselves up, but I'm going to take care of me so I can be strong for my son's and not worry about what others think, and if "friends" are too shallow to join in your happiness and sadness of life. They're not worth being around. Be kind,be classy, just bow out of any in fruitful relationship. Thank God for spouses, I haven't one but I can just imagine the comfort that must bring. Hold unto all good supports that help you. GOD bless everyone....Amen
Lisa Collins May 21, 2016 at 11:31pm

So perfectly stated, it was like you were in my thoughts, as you were writing this. Most of my friendships, if you can call it that have faded. Most of my time is spent with one friend and my mom, who both support Michael in his journey. I try not to let the what ifs creep into my thoughts. I often think when perusing through FB, are all these families really so picture perfect, as they appear on FB. Thank the Lord, Mixhael is safe and in a much better place, and I can only pray that some day we will have things to celebrate with him. I feel your pain, and we are entitled to feel this way.

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