Fear - About Us - Mothers of Incarcerated Sons Society, Inc.

the one that we called the cow crater hill, my stomach began to turn. I felt a feeling of doom so dark and scary that I was tempted to turn the car around and go back to Bellingham, but Sam was waiting in Greenbank, and Bridgit was waiting in Coupeville. Turning around was not an option, so I took a slow breath and then another and I kept driving and breathing until I got to Greenbank Farm. I pulled into the parking lot, turned off my car. Still breathing. Still thinking about every breath. Still trying not to talk to myself out loud. In my head I was chattering to myself a mile a minute. "Stop freaking out! You're fine! Nobody here knows you! Nobody knows your son! You're fine! You're fine! You're FINE!" The last sentance didn't stay in my head. I said it right out loud. One more breath, and I opened my door.

Sam was walking with a group. A tradition in Greenbank is to take this introspective walk on the prairie on New Year's day. There are stops along the walk where the walkers are posed with questions about the past and challenges about the future. At each stop, the guide would read the question that had been placed on a sign there, talk a little bit about it, and then read a poem before inviting us to ponder for a moment and then take the question in our hearts as we walked to the next stop. Fear seemed to be the theme of the day. What have you allowed fear to stop you from doing or make you do in the last year? What kinds of things do you want to accomplish next year? How will you overcome fear and accomplish new things this year? Pretty generic and basic questions really. And then there was the poem about fear. "What if fear could be contained in a place? What if you could leave your fear in Paris?"

I heard the rest of the poem and it hit my heart deeply, and then the walk and ponder...

I used to think that fear was a place.

A place where I could get stuck.

A place that I could walk through.

A place that I could walk in.

I have often heard referance to walking in Fear,

and have thought to myself that Fear was not a place that I would like to go.

I have comforted myself with the thought that I could just avoid that place,

as if there were some city limit sign that reads "Fear"

and I could just stop short.

I could just turn back when I arrive there.

But fear is not a place.

Fear is a shadow.

Or a ghost.

Or a monster.

Fear is not a place.

Fear lives in my heart and soul.

Fear follows me where I go.

I can't just stop at the border of Fear.

I do not arrive at Fear.

Fear has arrived at me.

I can't leave Fear,

and Fear won't leave me.

So I will stand up with all that I have,

all that I am,

and I will walk with Fear.

I will dance with Fear.

I will learn and grow,

and live,

with Fear.

Fear will not stop me.

If Fear doesn't want to get left behind,

he will have to accompany me on the life that I refuse to stop living.

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Comments

Rebecca O January 5, 2015 at 1:37am

I don't remember all of the poem that was read, but it just sent my brain on this tangent and I wrote this.
Rebecca O January 5, 2015 at 1:28am

Kristina, I wrote it. Thank you.
Tammy Romano January 4, 2015 at 2:15pm

Love love love it going to print it and paint it and put it in my bedroom thank you :-)

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