About Us

It's so strange, how I've become detached from the constant pain that I used to feel.  I drove home from work yesterday and realized that my son was a few miles away in a cage and I hadn't thought of that before when driving in that direction.  I guess I can't think about it.  When I do, when I really think about it, I hurts too much.  He's in a cage, and the saddest part is that if he wasn't there, he might not even be on the planet.

Drugs, obsession with guns, where did it all start? Come from?  I have lots of theories but the place that gives me the most consolation is recognizing that I will never know.  And I don't need to know.  That is something that is not going to control my thoughts or nights anymore.  I will be free of the obsession of what went wrong and how can I fix it? Because I can't.  Only he can.  And he sounds so changed and he sounds so different.  And I have heard all of it before.  So I remember that I can always hope, but I can never change a thing for him.  If it's true, it will play out in a real way.  If it's the usual BS, it will play out too.

This is my  life that I have to live.  That is his life that he has to live. I can love him with all my heart.  But he holds the key to his dreams and choices.  I hold the key to mine.  I can pray but I cannot control.  

I lived like that for so many years and nothing got better.  In fact, it got worse and worse.  Two weeks before he went to jail my husband and I were calling the police because the thug that said my son owed him money was at our door threatening our lives.  I don't want to live like that any more.  I don't want to hide my purse or not carry cash because it might get stolen.

I also don't want to see the precious boy I raised to be full of heart and adventure cooped up like a rat. Unthinkable.  It all feels like a terrible dream.  I guess I'm not as detached as I thought.  I guess I'm just compartmentalizing until I can let it out somewhere.  Like here. What a gift....and a release.