Still...after 2 and a half years of my sons incarceration I am seriously frustrated at the system, at myself, at my son and everything else that goes along with this culture. Prison culture. My son at the time of sentencing was 21 years old. He now has to face "growing up" for the rest of his "youthful" and social developmental years preparing him for creating a family of his own...in prison. It is hard enough making decisions for yourself to plan a future integrating a career and an intimate relationship that is suppose to last a lifetime when your freedom is in full force and well taken for granted. But what is one to think or plan when one grows up in prison? We ask ourselves as children "what do I want to be when I grow up" and perhaps a few scenarios pass through our imagination. . .but I myself in my wildest dreams had never thought "what do I want to be when I grow up in prison and get out into the ever-changing social circles" ?
I am stuck right there in the black hole of the unknown. I still begin and end most of my days with sorrow that is so overwhelming I have to kick myself in the ass to get out of my own way. At a loss for words. . . I don't know what to say anymore that will make a difference on more positive note. So, I find myself dreading the phone calls. Falling back into the black hole of the unknown. I am ashamed to even say such things even to people I may never see or meet in this lifetime. Luke is my baby. My youngest son, who taught me everything I know today about LOVE, and HOPE and JOY.
I came from an abusive family history of predators criminals, destruction and violence, and most of all... addicts. All of these to which I have hated, became, survived and finally learned the behavior that enabled me to "flip the box". And now again I regress back into the darkness. Ashamed and teetering on the borders of my own sobriety. Carrying around all of this baggage, I can say that my level of imagination is nonexhistant. What can the level of imagination be that's left in Luke? The imagination that we build our dreams on...I cannot imagine.
I still have not figured out how to effectively manipulate this incredible site, except to vent. Have not received any responses at any time,but I grateful to have a place to safely vent without fear. I thank you for that and I thank you for listening. One more thing, I would love to know anyone in Phoenix, AZ. Also if miracles do happen, I would love to know anyone who may be going to Yuma Prison for visitation in the near future. I need to raise money first for traffic fines that have magically evolved into warrants. Then there is hope for me to see my baby again before his 8.5 years is up! donna warner
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